[Short Version]
My ex-wife called and tried to drag me into some of her drama.
The incident served to remind me of the bad things about our marriage, especially the day I discovered her infidelity when I read an email I was not meant to see.
[Long Version]
Generally speaking, this is definitely one of those TMI posts. If you think I already blabber too much, you may wish to skip this write up. You’ve been forewarned…
So a few days ago, while waiting in line to order some food, my cell phone rang. The tone indicated it was my ex-wife (her ring tone is the main theme from Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony) and she was calling to talk, not just a simple text message. So I answered the phone cautiously. "Yes?" I asked. I quickly discovered she was in quite a rage. Because our divorce was amicable, I wondered what the hell I could have done to cause this rage.
She was demanding the current email address of my best friend from college. She then explained that she had discovered his profile on Facebook and had sent a friend request. Apparently his current wife discovered the friend request and sent my ex-wife a nasty note which went beyond simply denying her friend request. So my ex was enraged that she had been the target of my friend’s wife scorn. As I hadn’t really been keeping in contact with my friend, I have no idea what (if anything) is going on between him and his wife. I also don’t have enough background to understand why my friend’s wife is so pissed off at my ex. All I know is I am being dragged back into drama when all I wanted was to pick up some Chicken Tikka Masala.
Once my ex has vented her spleen, I let her know that I wasn’t home and I couldn’t really help her at that moment. I told her I had to go and I would check back in with her later. Although I had extricated myself from the phone drama, it still managed to knock me into a funk. One of the main reasons we divorced (other than the, ahem, by now obvious issue) was so I didn’t have to put up with her dramatic hysterics. Were we still married, I know I would have been hounded into defending her pride. Armed with a court order, I no longer have to feign giving a shit. However, this funk has also reminded me of one of the darkest periods.
Our marriage had been on the rocks for a long time. We were both too chicken to go through with the divorce. One of us would demand a split up. We’d talk about it, do nothing, eventually decide we were going to try again, and be "happily" married for some time before the cycle would repeat itself. In the summer of 2003, we were back in the "happily" married phase and we were both trying to be good spouses to each other. She said she wanted to accompany me wherever the Army sent me next. As fate would have it, the Army assigned me to Germany.
It turned out that the unit to which I was being assigned, was going to deploy to Iraq. I was told that I would be in Germany for at most two months then I would be sent down to Iraq to join my unit in Baghdad. Faced with this knowledge that I was going off to war, we decided that our past was the past and that we were going to make the best of the situation. We were really dedicated to being the best spouses we could be. I admit now that I honestly thought I was going to get killed.
Almost as soon as I deployed, my ex-wife’s insecurities about our relationship began to overwhelm the remaining goodwill she had towards me. This was exacerbated by the difficult conditions for communicating back home from Baghdad. Apparently, this was the worst time for her because we were not able to talk or email for about six weeks. In my defense, I do have to remark that it wasn’t a great time for me either.
Eventually, the ability to physically communicate (i.e. satellite phones, internet, etc) increased and we were able to talk more regularly. In fact, that was the most talking we had done with each other in almost a decade. I thought things were going well and that we were on our way to repairing our marriage. We even started to discuss having children once I returned from Iraq. We were scheduled to return home to Germany that April.
Unfortunately, a young militant Cleric named Sadr started an insurgent campaign that ultimately led to the extension of my unit’s tour of duty in Iraq. In fact, the day our lead elements had started to fly back to Germany in order to prepare for the arrival of the main body was the day President Bush extended the yearlong tour to fifteen months. We literally had people pulled off planes to go back to their basecamps. Some units had already made it to Kuwait and were cleaning equipment so it could go back on ships to be sailed to Germany. There were many spouses, my ex included, who were not very happy about this development. Trust me, those of us "down range" weren’t very happy about it either.
As the extension wore on, I could tell something was bothering my ex. Our communication which had been going so well, was not so good anymore. Pretty soon we weren’t talking about children. Pretty soon all I was doing was listening to her recite all the problems we had and how unhappy she was. Still, I muddled through the rest of the deployment.
As we got closer to time to go home, we could see stories of families reuniting back on bases in Germany via Armed Forces Network television. There were ceremonies where family members could hardly be restrained. Some of the clips showed yellow ribbons everywhere. You could see wives and children running to knock down daddy once he had been released from formation. There were tears of joy and tears of relief. There were all these happy scenes. In contrast to all that happiness, the communication with my ex was going worse. In fact, the day we finally flew back to Germany from Kuwait, I wasn’t even sure my ex was going to be at the welcome home ceremony. She said she might have to work.
To my relief, she was there when I got back to base. However, I knew that we were now estranged. In briefings prior to going home, we were warned that spouses may have problems readjusting to having us around again. I chalked all of this awkwardness up to that, readjustment problems. In the family reunion briefing I attending the day before flying home, the chaplain who was leading the discussion also said to take it easy regarding sex and resuming a physical relationship. It may take some time to get things back to normal. Armed with that advice, I tried to be patient and just accept that it may take some time before we would go back to "normal."
My return home did not go well at all. My ex was extremely pissed off about the three month delay because she had planned to go on a trip with one of her friends from Germany in August. Now my getting home in August and our taking a trip back to the US to see family was ruining her other trip. I tried not to take it personally. I even suggested that she go on her trip with the German friend and meet me in the US when I was finally allowed to travel. (The Army would not allow us to go on leave until after being home for at least one week.) Most of my friends were astonished, but I told them that I was just trying to incorporate the advice given during the family briefings.
We eventually met up back in the US. Things did not go so well, but I just chalked them up to being awkward around each other for the first time in over a year. After a month of travelling around the states, we returned to Germany. Things went from bad to worse once we got home. She was annoyed about everything I touched, moved, or failed to clean. She was upset that all my army gear was back in the closet. She was annoyed that I had to work late or that I might get off unexpectedly early. She was annoyed that she felt guilty for hanging out with her German friends now that I was home but felt that she should abandon her Germany friends who had supporter her while I was gone. I totally supported her and her need to be with her friends. The worst thing about that time period would be when her cell phone rang and she would rush to answer the phone and run off to another room for privacy.
I always thought it was just her needing time to readjust to me being home. Until one night I went to check my email and discovered that the computer was signed into her email. I know I shouldn’t have, but I read her email. That was when I discovered the love letters. I learned about how she was dreaming about what their (her and her intended German boyfriend) children would look like. She went on about love using the same words and phrases she had used to discuss me back when we first had started going out.
I was not amused. Call me gullible, but I never once thought she was having an affair. Discovering the email had cracked my willful ignorance. I will not lie to you and say I didn’t feel hurt. It hurt like hell. I think it hurt my pride the worst of all. I had blind trust in this woman. Even in the face of the obvious hints and clues, I had never expected this. What’s worse, is that this betrayal made me reinvestigate all the times I had chosen ignorance because I assumed it was impossible that my ex could be having an affair.
[Really TMI coming up…]
I thought back to the day many years earlier when I came home from work and my ex burst into the garage from the kitchen door sobbing hysterically. She was completely freaked out because the doctor informed her the she had tested positive for chlamydia. I lost my virginity to my wife and had never messed around with anyone other than her. So I knew I didn’t give it to her. However, the mystery for me was how she got it as she had obviously never had sex with anyone other than me (or so I thought.) I figured she must have had a false positive. Still, I thought it best to get tested myself. The problem was the Army is a very small community. While if you are a family member you go see an anonymous doctor at the hospital, the active duty soldier is seen by his unit’s medics. So if I were to test for an STD, the information would have leaked around. Instead, I took the day off from work and drove into Planned Parenthood in the nearby city to get tested confidentially. The test results wouldn’t come back for a week, but they gave me antibiotics to take as a precaution. A week later they called to confirm that I tested negative. (In addition to calling into question my ex-wife’s fidelity, it also confirms the near complete lack of physical intimacy in the relationship.)
Ultimately, her betrayal was a factor that led to me questioning my life and how I tried to conform to the expectations of others instead of pursuing my own happiness. Her betrayal gave me the mental permission to try things I had always feared trying. So in a way, I am thankful for her doing whatever it was that she did. I can tell you that today, I am a much happier person. I am getting more comfortable in my skin every day. In many ways, I am completely unrecognizable from the extremely uptight person I used to be.
All that being said, being lied to and deceived is one of the worst things on Earth another person can do to you. Now when I think back to those times when we were together, I wonder if she was having an affair then. While I have the evidence to prove that she was not faithful to the terms of our marriage, she vehemently denies ever having an affair. The German with whom she was imagining future offspring never requited her love. The German with whom she went on the trip with when I had just come home from Iraq was the son of a family friend and they were visiting other family relatives. There were always perfect excuses and alibis.
So the point of this volume, was to explain my "disappointment" picture. As a result of the long and painful years of my marriage, I am not the most trusting soul. I am quick to make friends, but it takes a long time to build up the kind of blind trust I once displayed. It is unfortunate for anyone contemplating a relationship with me that I have this hardened shell. Perhaps I am being passive aggressive here and not addressing the issue squarely. However, my ex-wife has reminded me that sometimes things aren’t what they seem and I should be prepared for that eventuality.
A little bit of Mischief... 