OMFG!

If you saw my previous post, then you know today was not a great day.  I am not sure why it went sour, it just ended up being a miserable day.  I woke up early, fixed myself breakfast, even packed a lunch.  When I left my tiny living space, I felt reasonably content and proud that I started the day off right.  I stopped by the gym to drop off my bag and talked with my boss for a few minutes. 

I felt so content that I planned to attend my boss’ step-aerobics class at noon (I heart step-aerobics!).  That always leaves me feeling happy (mainly because my cardio for the day is done!)  After the aerobics I showered off in the locker room and headed back to my office space.  While I ate my lunch I perused the online edition of the Washington Post. 

For some reason I clicked on the want ads.  I just thought I was harmlessly looking at research assistant jobs but suddenly found myself compelled to look at all the ads to which I felt I could honestly apply.  Then I couldn’t help but look at the salaries for these jobs.  With each passing ad, I felt the panic well up inside me.

Here I am 36, in school, very little saved up for retirement, and feeling conspicuously unsuccessful in my pursuit of an advanced degree.  Pretty soon I couldn’t help myself.  I started looking at the federal jobs page.  I even started considering federal jobs in Iraq (a place I never, ever want to return.)  Pretty soon I was in full panic!

What if I get kicked out of school?
How will I survive that embarrassment?
How will I survive, Cambridge ain’t cheap!
How will I be able to afford a gym membership?

Right as I was about to start hyperventilating, I got an email notice that one of the library books on my shelf had been recalled.  (nb – the university library recall system is pretty ruthless here.  Someone wants a book which you have checked out they can request that it be recalled.  You have a few days to get that book back to the library or a horrendous fine starts adding up quite quickly.  To combat this one can start a recall war.  As soon as you turn in the book, you submit a recall request against the person who recalled the book from you.  Academic fights can be nasty over extremely petty things…)

Since I was basically using the book as a security blanket at this point and realizing that my mental abilities were shot, I grabbed the book, crossed the yard, and returned the volume.  Heading back across campus to my office space I just couldn’t face the prospect of looking at my laptop.  So I ducked into the small art museum.

Most of you know or at least have surmised which graduate school I attend.  I don’t like to mention it as I feel like I am jinxing myself.  I started out at community college and finished my undergrad degree at a large, state school.  When I am asked which school I attend I usually just mention that I go to school in Boston.  Since my office space is in a new building, I like to tell myself that I am just at any other school and there is nothing special.

Walking into the "little" art museum today reminded me that I don’t attend just any other school.

The woman at the front desk informed me that since the main museum was under renovation they had just selected a few pieces from the main collection to show at this smaller museum.  Since I just wanted the distraction, I barely paid her any attention.  I checked my topcoat and rode the elevator to the top floor.  When I stepped off the elevator, I almost fainted.

The gallery was filled with work from Monet, Pisarro, Rodin, Gaugain, Picasso, and van Gogh (to name just a few).  Around the corner was a row of etchings by Durer.  I am pretty sure I saw a Rembrandt too, but I was getting a bit light-headed.  The next gallery had a Jackson Pollack.  I don’t particularly care for Pollack, but still I was confronted with one of his actual canvasses.

Holy crap!

I could not believe I had mindlessly walked past this building hundreds of times and not realized the treasures hidden inside.  All of this was here waiting for me to explore (free for students I might add!)  When I made it back to the front desk, I confessed to the woman that I couldn’t believe what I had just seen.  She told me that was nothing compared to the full collection.

I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world.  I am so scared that I am going to screw it up that I can’t think straight sometimes.  This place is filled with brilliant people.  It is so hard to feel like a 15 watt bulb surrounded by 1000 watt kleiglights.  I wrote a comment on someone else’s photostream about not letting fear control your decisions.  I am finding that is so much easier to write than to heed for myself.