Double entry bookkeeping

There was a time when I hated going to bed because it meant the next morning would only come sooner.  I could barely handle the troubles of one day and nearly became mentally incapacitated just thinking about the new problems the morning would bring.  I started to fixate on all the things I had screwed up and would anticipate all the things I was going to screw up in the morning.  I carried a constant dread of my inadequacies being discovered. 

One night I was so desperate, I called a hotline.  When that was unsatisfactory, I came close to driving to the hospital and having myself committed on the grounds that I was a danger to myself.  Somehow I made it through that night and the long series of nights that followed.  Strangely enough, I have my experience in Iraq to thank for the change in the way I now view and interact with the world. 

Let me reiterate, I was an overglorified office boy for both of my tours in Iraq.  The only combat I saw was the bureaucratic infighting endemic to large organizations.  At the same time, death was never too far away.  The scariest event for me was the day a 120mm rocket flew over my head and impacted on the other side of a building killing two soldiers and grievously wounding a third.   During my second tour, I had two good friends and one former subordinate killed by roadside bombs.  I also had a couple of close calls with mortar rounds.  Luckily for me, I survived my tiny brushes with mortality.

Now, even on my worst days when I am hopelessly behind on deadlines and frankly don’t have a clue on what to do next, I think about my colleagues resting under small granite memorials.  I think about how if it were possible they would trade their peaceful rest for more time to spend with their loved ones.  A miserable day alive beats a peaceful day in which your loved ones anguish in your absence.

So here I sit, contemplating the ups and downs of the day.  I accomplished some things and as usual I procrastinated on some others.  I am not afraid of going to sleep because I am not afraid of what will come with the next day.