What I really want…

I know what I really want in life. I think too often we all really know what we want but are afraid to admit it. If we declare what we want then we have set a marker by which we can ultimately judge success or failure. If I declare that I want job x but I never attain job x, then I have to admit that I failed in my goal. I think the fear of failure prevents many of us from actually saying what we want. So here goes:

I want to finish my graduate school program. I am not sure if I want an academic job, but I want to finish what I have started. I know that finishing is not really a matter of being smart enough, instead it is a matter of perserverance. I want to prove to myself that I can stick with a project especially after it gets tough. I walk away from things too easily.

I want to fall in love with someone so deeply that I need to be with him. I don’t want to just be with someone that is nice or with whom I get along. I want the whole enchilada. I want a guy that makes me go weak in the knees whenever I think about him. I want to be with a guy that makes me want to rearrange my schedule just to spend more time with him. I want a guy that takes care of his body and makes me want to take care of mine as well. I want a guy that I can’t help myself around. In all of my relationships up to this point in my life, I have always held something back. I have liked people or have even been very fond of people, but I have never loved anyone.

I want to be financially comfortable while doing a career that I find interesting. I don’t have to be rich. I just want to be able to afford a nice little house, a late model car, a few toys, put some away for retirement, and travel every once in a while. I want a life that others perhaps don’t envy, but at least don’t pity.

I want to be close to my siblings. My parents kind of screwed up their relationships with my sibs, but I think my brother, sister, and half-sister should be able to relate to each other at least as survivors of a weird upbringing.

As petty as this sounds, I really want to be good looking. I grew up as a chess club geek. I am an unrecovered high school geek. I was without any social grace or charm as a kid and I don’t know if I have gotten past that as an adult. I have since discovered the gym and feel I look much better than when I was a teen ager. Still, the psychological scars of being the last one chosen have never healed. I think the successes I have had so far are a result of feeling like I have to prove to myself that I am worthy of success. I think this may be a mental anguish that can never be solved, but still I need to hear the approval of others.