Ageism, Homosexuality, and LTR

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

Sunday morning, in the spirit of moving boldly into my new identity, I bought a copy of OUT magazine. I had told myself I was going to read it on my return journey to Boston. Buying the issue wasn’t terribly brave as the newstand was empty of other customers and I think the clerk was either a) gay himself or b) was especially practiced at not displaying moral outrage or more likely c) didn’t give a crap and just wanted me to pay and get out so he could return to his phone call. I put the magazine and the Pepsi I bought into my bag and left. Whatever “bravery” I thought I had deserted me when I was too timid to actually pull out the magazine and be seen reading it in public. Oh well… When you fail one of life’s test, you can only pick yourself up and try to do better next time.

I finally read the magazine after I made it safely home and firmly closed my bedroom door after announcing to my fellow apartment dwellers that I was retiring for the night. Reading the magazine led me to a few realizations. First, I have neither the time nor the inclination to be a fashionista! I will always buy my clothes off the rack and that rack will usually be found in a lower end retail store. I will never apply “product” to my face, rather I will just use some “stuff” that either works or doesn’t work (and will be purchased at the previously mentioned lower end retail store.) More importantly, I discovered that “ageism” is a “pink elephant” hiding in the gay world.

Much to the consternation of older men, the public world seems to focus on young, pretty gay men. One argument put forth claims that gay or straight, the public world suffers from the fetish of youth. The older gay men seem aggravated because they have public needs that are not being addressed. The gray crowd has moved beyond the mentality of only looking for the next hook-up. Where is the public discourse regarding homosexuality and progressing life-cycle issues like retirement finances, medical care, and end-term companionship? In the same breath, though, the gray crowd seems upset that they are invisible to the young crowd. In some postings I have read from older gay men, they complain that they have much to offer a younger man.

I do not dispute this claim at all. These older gay men are sometimes survivors of wild times in days past. Their tales of sexual freedom and kinkiness are quite exciting in their ribaldry. There is also a degree of mentorship, both sexual and platonic, that is very attractive about older men. The only place where I have a problem with an older man is if his mind is old. I have read a quote somewhere about youth looking forward while old age looks back. What can make a relationship work between partners of disperate ages is a similarity in mental outlook.

If an older man believes his best years are behind him, then a relationship with a younger man is doomed. If, on the other hand, the older man knows he can share his experience with a novice while at the same time is committed to further development, then I believe the relationship may work out.

The problem I see is that older men want it both ways. They want a young plaything to satisfy their own egos as well as their visual appetites. They also are looking for someone to care for them as they start to reckon their twilight years are approaching. I have been warned by older men that my youth is fleeting and I will want a companion one day. Obviously they are presenting themselves as that companion. The problem is that solves their companion needs but statistically screws me (and not in the good way.) Say I commit to the older gentleman. He will get is companionship needs met up to his death. Then I will find myself alone and older, probably trolling whatever technology the internet will have become looking for a young companion to accompany me on my march toward the inevitable.

In the end, the previous line of thinking seems kind of mercenary to me. Although I am afraid to turn into that older guy in ten or twenty years time, if I were to fall crazy in love with an older guy, that will be it. The danger with love is that it relies upon trust and not iron clad guarantees.