“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.”Yesterday was the first time in my life that I saw a man and ached with lust and desire. Sure, there are beautiful men in magazines and on the net; however, this guy was in the flesh and talking to me (among others). He wasn’t a distant, pretty boy with whom I know I would never meet. Instead he was kind and even remembered my name. I went weak in the knees and felt light headed. The man was just beautiful. I had to remind myself to breathe. When I tried to make small talk I felt that same awkwardness I felt 20 years earlier in high school. Nerd then, nerd now. I kept trying to think up excuses for hanging around. That’s when it hit me pretty hard. Finally accepting that I am a gay man has not imbued me with any more social skills than I had a priori. No game then, no game now. Eventually, I decided to go on my way lest I look as completely pathetic as I felt. It was a long ride home. I moped a block or so to the subway station, glancing back to see if he had come out to see where I had gone. If he had given me any pretense I would have rushed back. I would have let him do anything (ANYTHING) he wanted to do to me. Alas, no pretense. The subway station felt colder than normal, and for the first time I truly felt lonely. I keep telling myself that I am being a melodramatic queen, but the truth is that is how I felt. Still, just thinking about the guy send shivers up and down my spine. So I am going to the gym in the morning where I will lift more weight than is probably good for me. I think it’s called preening.
21 JAN 08 – Mancrush
Published
A little bit of Mischief... 