So this is my third time starting a blog. Hopefully it will work out better than the previous two attempts. Anyway, I have decided to quit living a lie and fully accept that I am gay. I have been in denial for so long that I don’t know what it feels like to live truthfully. By omission, I have lied to my parents, friends, colleagues, and even my doctor. I have decided that the lying ends this year.
The first crucial change I am making is to redefine myself in my own mind. Before I thought I was a ‘normal’ guy with perhaps a few kinks. From now on, at least in my own mind, I will consider myself a gay man. This change means to me that I am not going to run away from who I am. I state unequivocally, I love men and do not feel the least bit queezy about it. I fantasize about men and wouldn’t hesitate to be intimate with another man. The honesty has to start with myself.
The next crucial change I am making is to begin overtly socializing with other men. I am already taking baby steps in this direction. I have begun attending Naked Yoga for Men. While some would say this is more than just a baby step, I categorize it as a baby step because my identity is shielded from public scrutiny. The meeting location is not publicized. Except for divulging the information here, no one knows that I attend. So this is not overt in the sense that people will know I participate. On the other hand, I am meeting other gay men. I am slowly gaining entre to a new group of peers. I am learning about other facets of ‘the life.’ I have also met many new men, online if not in real life, through my photostream on Flickr. The support I have recieved from that network of friends is making it possible for me to make 2008, my year of truth.
The other crucial change I am planning is to leave my current apartment and move into a gay-friendly apartment. My current living situation is definitely not gay-friendly. Near poverty has forced me to accept a slower time-table, I must wait for my lease to end. However, I resolve to change this facet in my life so that I might find myself surrounded by a more positive environment. (FYI – if there are any gay men living in the metropolitan Boston area and need a new roommate starting in July – email me!)
In addition to the changes I am going to make, I resolve to maintain the changes I made in 2006 and 2007. First, I am going to maintain the habit I developed in 2006 of going to the gym regularly. I have worked very hard to develop a body of which I am no longer ashamed. I am not satisfied with my current level of fitness, and probably never will be, but I will continue to work on it and improve. I have accepted that fitness is not a destination, rather it is a process.
The major change I made in 2007 was to leave my well-paying but soul-destorying career in order to pursue my less lucrative but intensely more appealing academic interests. My resolution for this year is to stay true to that course and follow through with achieving my goals. It is too easy for me to give up and try for something safer. Instead, I need to keep at it and never quit.
I hope this blog will keep me on target. I plan to update it as I start to experience living in truth. I also plan to post rants, raves, perhaps even grocery lists. Who knows?
A little bit of Mischief... 